Does anyone in my life understand?

I really have to wonder, does anyone in my life know the crap I am going through right now.  I am ill, cranky, hurt, depressed, lonely and so many other feelings that I just cannot express.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am really doubting that I have what it takes to get through this.  I am so snappy, that I do not even want to be around me.  I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

I have not heard from my DH at all this week other than about one line a day on my instant messenger.  I NEED him and I NEED to talk to him.  It is like we live on two different planets totally cut off from each other. Now do not get me wrong, I assume he must be going through a lot too.  It just seems that he does not even care what we are going through here.

When he was away at training, I was fine, so why is this so terrible.  The only thing that is different is the lack of communication.  He has internet, a wireless ipod touch, phone cards and a new phone with a global plan that he can contact me with, so what is it.  It must be me.

I am in such a dark place right now, that I just do not know how I am going to get out of this.  I am not sure there is anything darker.  I just do not know what to do or how to begin.  I need him so desperately.  I need for him to communicate with me.  I just do not get it and if I do not get it then I know that nobody else would get it either.

I desperately need help here.  I just do not know if I can take another day of this.

I am a bipolar pregnant woman!

Well it is officially the new year of 2012.  This was the first New Year's Eve I have even spent away from my DH in 17 years.  I fully admit there were a few tears last night as the ball dropped.  Nothing uncontrollable, but it was definitely hard.  We have the global plan for his phone and I was able to text him to wish him a Happy New Year, not that he texted back.  Where he is happy new year had already come and gone, but that did not matter to me.

What I would not do to hear his voice or to see him.  I miss him so much and I just pray that the pain gets easier to deal with.  At this point I feel like I am a pregnant bipolar.  One minute I am fine and the next I am balling like a baby and snapping at everyone I see.  I am just not sure how to deal.  I know, I know, I need to get busy, but can I really be that busy 24/7 for this not to hurt so much.  I really have to wonder.

I met a fellow Army Wife on Facebook the other day and I was astonished and the things that she was allowing to come out of her mouth.  She preceded to tell me that all Army soldiers cheat while they are deployed and mine would be no different.  WTH!  I was looking for support not someone to scare the crap out of me.  Why can't people just be supportive and not share the horror stories.  I want to be uplifted right now, not scared or more worried that I already am.

I'm back and I will try and do better.

Oh my gosh.  So much has happened since my last post.  My DH went to a base up north to train some more and process.  I was able to go and visit him for Thanksgiving.  It was just me and it was a wonderful 2 days.  I am so blessed to be able to share that little time with him.

He was also able to come home for Christmas for about 2 days, but now he is freezing his butt off in another country waiting for more processing.  I swear, they get processed so much that I just cannot keep up with it.  The good thing is that he will be there a few more days and that will be less time that he spends in harms way in the desert.

I really do not know how people do this.  I have had more ups and downs these last 6 weeks that my head is spinning.  Now that I am a single mom things are for sure harder.  I have attempted to reach out to other military wives and have had little success.  I really need someone to lean on.

I will do better about posting to this blog and I am even thinking of starting a you tube channel.  What do you think?

III'mmm BBBAAACCCKKK!

Well I am back.  My DH has gone onto to sandier pastures to play with his Army men.  Today is our youngest birthday.  Squishy is 5 today.  Isn't she so cute.

This will not be a long post, but I just wanted to say that my new journey has began.  I know things are going to be very different, however I am looking forward now.  I told my DH before he left that I hope to by half the woman physically and twice the woman mentally when he returns.  I really pray that I can take this time to focus on me and my girls and make the best decisions so that we will be healthier and more spirit filled when he returns to us.

He's Back...for now

I am happy to say that my hubby got back home last night.  We were all very happy to see him.  I am not sure how much I will be posting in the next few weeks while he is home, but just know that this blog will be my outlet while he is away.  Thank you for reading.

Stress for the kids

My DH has been gone for about a month now and emotions have been all over the place for all of us.  It became crystal clear to me last night thought that this emotional roller coaster is not just effecting me in the stress department! 

My little precious Buggy was doing her homework last night and just started crying.  Nobody was bothering her, there were no distractions, as a matter of a fact, I was the only other one in the room with her.  Anyway, I asked her what was wrong and she just shut down.  I asked her to come over and sit in my lap and I hugged her and asked her again what was wrong.  All Buggy could say was Dad and that was all it took for both of us to start balling.  I continued to hug her and assure her that God will take care of Daddy and we have to trust in God.  I tried to call him, but I had to leave a message.  He did call back later, but the connection was so bad that the call did not last long. 

I have tried to keep the kids busy to keep their minds off of things.  I have tried to spend every available minute with them, but I feel like I am ready to explode.  I have to get some time to myself.  I am just struggling to balance it all.  I know that with God beside me I am going to make it through, but man this is hard! 

A SURPRISE for my DH!

Today was a busy day for me.  I traded vehicles with the hubby a couple of weeks ago so that I could take the lawn mower in for repair.  It was time for me to take back the truck, since the hubby is coming home on Monday.  Anyway, I thought I would surprise him by cleaning up his truck for him.  Before I cut the engine on the truck, I put the wipers on high, turned the radio up, tuned into a Latino station, cut on the blinkers and let's not forget writing on his windows with some window chalk.  I know he will be surprised.  My teenager helped me.  It was a lot of fun. 

I guess I forgot to mention the fact that his birthday was last week while he was gone, so we wrote birthday wishes on you and put some birthday presents in his truck.  I hope he is happy!